Moving With Children
Moving is a challenging and difficult experience for a family, especially for children. It is natural for parents to be concerned about the effect of the move. However, parents play a crucial role in making the moving experience a positive one for their children. When faced with a move, it is important to remember that reactions from children will vary depending on their personality and developmental age. The personality of the child is important because it influences the time a child may take to adjust to the move. Some children are naturally outgoing and will be able to make friends immediately, while some other children may take months.
Some aspects of the child’s personality may tend to get more pronounced. For instance, if your child tends to worry and get nervous, you are likely to see more of this behavior until the child begins to feel more comfortable in the new surroundings. Roller coaster emotions are not uncommon. One day, your child may be thrilled and excited, then blue and depressed the next. It’s important for parents to be patient and supportive during these times, as it helps children adjust and cope with the changes.
Ages and Stages
Children at varying ages and stages of understanding will experience your move differently. Let’s go through each age group and discuss what they could be feeling and how to help them cope.
Moving With Infants and Toddlers
Generally, infants and toddlers take moves very well. They may, however, pick up on any anxiety and stress that you’re feeling and seem particularly fussy and demanding in the weeks before your move. If your child is being taken care of by a caregiver other than yourself, they may go through a sense of loss and not be equipped to express it. Older toddlers who have just begun to learn household rules like “don’t climb on the counter” or “no scribbling on the walls” may have to relearn everything once they get to the new house.
What You Can Do
Your time and attention are especially important during the move. Remember to take breaks during the rush to play with your child and participate in activities with them. Be sure that you don’t pack away their security objects like teddy bears and baby blankets – these will help them monitor their emotions during the transition. Keep their routine as normal as possible; regular eating and nap times are important.
Moving With a Preschooler
Often, preschoolers will express a great deal of excitement over a move but may not really understand everything that is going on. The details of moving inevitably frustrate parents, and preschoolers tend to think that the chaos and frustration may somehow be their fault.
Preschoolers also find it hard to understand what will go with them and what will stay behind. They may not realize that you are taking furniture and toys with you and often develop great fears of losing their personal belongings and toys. Also, they may not realize that close friends and neighbors will not make the move.
What You Can Do
Try to pack children’s things last and keep your preschool included in the packing process. Don’t assume that your child understands the process of moving. Explain the move to them and help them understand why it is happening. We’ve included a list of children’s books about moving at the bottom of this post. We recommend reading them with your preschoolers to help them understand and adjust.
Moving With a School-Aged Child
School-aged children are often very excited about a family move and love to be included in the planning process. They love to develop lists and are very project-oriented. Use their enthusiasm and energy to help you complete some of the moving tasks and let them feel included in the overall process.
At this age, relationships with peers are very important. Your child may understand that this transition is taking them away from their neighbors and school friends, but they might not be able to deal with the emotions of that realization. After the move, your child could become angry or depressed, especially if they haven’t completely integrated into a new group of friends or found exciting activities.
What You Can Do
Scope out the neighborhood with your child before the move. Look to see if there are other children their age with whom they could become friends or if there are nearby activities or centers where you can bring your child to make friends. Community centers, parks, 4-H and Scouts are great community-building tools for your kids!
Try to arrange a tour of their new school. Point out familiar places like the cafeteria, library and restrooms. Kids often worry about being able to find their way around new spaces, so this will help them feel more comfortable during their first few days of school, giving them space to try to make new friends and integrate into their classroom.
Moving With a Teenager
There is no doubt about it: moving is difficult for most adolescents. Teenagers are generally very involved in social relationships. Most teens feel that a move often unnecessarily interrupts their involvement with friends and romantic relationships. Although teenagers have the maturity to understand the reason for the move, they may not be prepared to accept it emotionally.
What You Can Do
Teenagers need space and time when preparing for a move. Many parents postpone telling kids about their upcoming move in the hopes that it will make the transition easier. However, your teenager needs time to grieve the current state of their relationships and prepare to say goodbye.
Even though teens seem much more advanced in their social skills, they may worry a lot about making friends and fitting in. Be sure to visit their school and check out local activities and employment opportunities for them. Making a few visits with them to the new neighborhood might help them gather some excitement about the move as they’ll have different opportunities and activities to explore.
Pay attention to your teen’s feelings in a genuine and sincere way. Accept your child’s feelings without getting defensive or giving a lecture. If they’re comfortable enough to express their feelings openly and work through the sadness and grief with parental support, they’re less likely to lash out in anger or become depressed.
How Long Does it Take for a Child to Adjust to the Move
Researchers tell us that adults and children need time to adjust—often as long as 16 months. For some families, the most stressful time is two weeks before and two weeks after the move. It is only a month or so after the move that the reality of friends and places left behind begins to sink in. Frustration, anger and confusion are common emotions at this time. Moving is stressful for adults and is particularly stressful for children as they have limited coping skills.
Other events associated with the move can have a direct impact on how children cope. Financial problems, a death or a divorce can sometimes make the problem worse, stretching children’s coping skills to the limit. In these instances, short-term counseling can help with the transition.
Strategies to Help Children Adjust to a Move
- Be understanding. Acknowledge both positive and negative feelings. Let children know that it’s okay and normal to feel anxiety. Watch out for verbal and nonverbal communication.
- Provide continuity. Much of the stress associated with moving comes from the “newness” and “difference” of things. Try to keep routines and other daily living habits as normal as possible. This is not the time to make a lot of major changes in your family life.
- Be patient. New adjustments take time. Some children will ease slowly into a new situation, some will leap in head first. Allow for differences in personalities.
- Be a good role model. Children need to see and hear adults express their feelings and work through problems. A parent who openly expresses their own struggles adjusting to a move and meeting new people can provide a lot of support and comfort for children.
- Promote peer interaction. Get involved in the community as quickly as possible. Ask neighbors if they’ll help organize playdates with local children. Link up with familiar organizations like Scouts, 4-H and church or youth groups. This will help your children make friends and feel accepted.
- Use children’s literature. Books and movies are wonderful for helping children prepare for and understand difficult situations. Story characters who model successful coping strategies are an excellent resource for children.
This is reprinted and adjusted with permission from the National Network for Child Care – NNCC. (Oesterreich, L. (1993). Moving to a new Home. In series *Understanding children* [Pm 1529g]. Ames, IA: Iowa State University Extension.)
Is Your Family Ready to Move? Contact Bekins.
A great way to make moving easier on the entire family is by moving with a reputable relocation company. Bekins Van Lines has years of experience moving families across town or across the country. Ready to get started? Request an in-home estimate today.
